Bloggish : The Life of Becky

Ever been sick with the cold, flu, etc andjust after you get better you get sick again? I am totally hating it!!

I think I should really pace myself on getting to work. It's only 2:45 ish and I got here @ 2:30. I don't start till 3. Fml!

I think the switch from tri cyclen lo to tri cyclen was a big mistake on my part. I'm nauseous more than ever! Having the flu doesn't help!!

Let's see after the millionth failure if this works.

I am so drained!! X_X



I think I may have screwed myself over on  sleep by taking on so many hours @ work!  Not there yet, but soon I'll be at the point of sleep deprivation that I'll be the one needing a script for Ambien!! (let's hope it doesn't get that too far, I honestly don't like taking drugs unless I am in severe pain or on the verge of dying)



I worked for Keith while he was on vacation. That was about 2 weeks of 8 hour days which makes me one tired and cranky Becky. Not cool if I don't get a day off (after working days in a row at least) Sometimes I just need a break to recharge my batteries and get some much needed sleep.



This week I am working my weekend (I worked Keith's weekend also this month) then straight till Thursday. I am gonna be tired!! I am trying my best to get enough sleep but it doesn't feel like it is enough!! Also with some little sniffles here and there, I believe I may be coming down with a sickness. Had Penny give me a flu shot about a week ago, so none of the strains of that and I highly doubt it is the Schwein Flu that so many people are freaking out about!! Seriously, the regular flu itself kills thousands each year. But I guess since it is a new and evolving virus that there is logic to having some concern.



The pharmacy has been pretty busy these last few weeks (since Keith was gone? not many of my patients like him since he is not very friendly) which also has worn me out. Also studying for the exam. Lots of stuff to cram!! Took the test Tuesday and passed with a 75% (which is average but it is still passing!!) Wednesday helped Amanda out working up front doing plano grams and stuff. They've been short-handed with staff since Erin had her baby, Steve was transferred to Farmington, and Kim was having medical issues. Total craziness!! But I said I could do it (totally screwed myself over) The hours are nice and all, but I need sleep!!



Thursday had to pee in a cup. I always love taking drug tests except when the collector has to be in the bathroom with me and turn around while I pee (luckily for me, this was the same office that just lets you do your thing without holding your hand through it) But really? How lame would I be if I brought my own pee from home? I am so not a cheater (that and I don't use any recreational or abused script drugs) So now I have to wait for the results on that and for my forms to get to Bobbi (had Randy mail those today)



Once we get a nice raise, then I can really start paying off the damage (i.e. debt) and really get serious about school. I know I can always just take a few classes at a time but I would really like to have committed to a major before I dive into this. Some people (people who I will not mention) have told me how stupid it is that I won't start school because of my indecision on a major. That is just me. I like to have a plan. Keeps me more motivated and on course.



That's another issue I've been having. The one friend I "dumped" keeps trying to text me, but I just erase her messages before I even read them. After putting a lot of thought into our friendship, I realized that I don't need friends like her or Kelly. All they did was bring me down and make me feel bad about myself. Not to mention totally blow me off every time we made plans to hang when they were in town. I just got tired of being a fucking doormat.



With that, I've come to terms and have accepted that I am a loner and that I am pretty happy with it. I actually do like spending time by myself more that with friends. Not sure why, but I guess I never really needed the company of other people to entertain  me. I have friends and hang out with them sometimes, but I tend to like to be by mself or with George. Which reminds me, I need to see what Kim wants to do next Sunday. Planned to hang with her while back but had a terrible allergy attack while at the parents' house hanging with my sister Amber and her goats. Must be the animals!!



Might go out on the 22nd of October to see Paul & Marlin. They had their 2nd child while back. Named her Elizabeth after Marlins' mom. Now they got 2 cute little Costa Rican/ American baby girls!! I wonder how Luna likes being a big sister. Hope we can go out. Had to cancel since I picked up all the shifts! I also ended up taking off that entire week of our 4 year anniversary, seems like a good time to me :) Not sure what we're gonna do (I like to play it by ear)



Decided against getting costumes for my sister's Halloween party. I really wanted to but there are other more important things that take priority. Maybe next year :) So want to go out to Baltimore one of these days for Otakon!! It's been forever!!



That's the update in a nutshell!!



Now on to other semi-exciting things.... like this giant bag of candy!! :)

Just one more day till the wedding and yes, I am already dreading it!!

I've never been one to go and enjoy big events with people, whether it is a family event or going out with my girl friends to clubs. I guess it makes me abnormal? I just like being a homebody ^_^

I never thought that reading through millions of friends entries could be so amusing!!

(on that note : I never realized how such a terrible friend I am!!)

Go me?

Eh, fuck it :)

I know you all forgive me right?

Me hope so ;)

Oh well...... not much to say...... be going now!!

(later this week : trying to survive the wedding!! Saturday July 18th @ 4:00 let's see if I can go in a church without setting it ablaze!!)

I got BANGS!!

After 11 years or so of losing contact, I found one of my old friends from elementary school!!

Andrae and I have known each other pretty much since I moved to Michigan (about 14 years) we were close in elementary school, even though she was a year younger than me.

I remember spending time hanging out with her at her grandparents' house down the road and going to Cedar Point one summer. We had a blast!!

After she moved to Fowlerville we lost touch. I'd see her step-mom Kim from time to time at Wal-Marty but that was pretty much it.

What got me to think about looking for her was when I saw Kim the other night at Wal-Mart. Talked about Andrae a bit. Found out she is doing well and has a 2 year old son. Wow has time changed!!

I decided to search for her via MySpace, Facebook etc etc. I didn't know how she would react. I was dreading that she would habor feelings of resentment towards me since I didn't keep in touch.

Now it looks like we got a lot of catching up to do.

To think that if the internet was not in existance, all the people I have lost touch and found again would probably still remain lost.

Kudos to connecting with old friends!!

Long time no post. Feels like it's been ages.

Nothing new with me. Same thing different day kinda routine going on : work, work, and more work. But I guess that's what's in line when I want to make money!! (not that I am complaining, making money is great) And it's finally paying off!! I actually have money in the savings account and have stuck to my new financial plan so far, so things are in the green in that department (for once!!)

Been thinking a lot about the future, school and lots of other misc. things. School is going back on hold for now. With how the economy is and the fact that I haven't been able to stick to just one major, I think it is best to wait. I could go take some basic classes if I want, but right now I think that wouldn't help any. Spending money when I don't know what direction I want to take doesn't seem logical to me. Yes, I know that when taking basics along the way you can figure out the major, but that defeats my whole college plan. I want to KNOW what I want to major in and be committed to stick with it first. I have plenty of time to go to school, so I am over feeling like I am wasting my life not going. I will go eventually.

It's just been so hard for me to just pick one thing and stick with it. I know that whatever I pick I will accel at it, it's just so hard to pick just one!! Right now with the shape of the economy and the loss of jobs, it's been making me think about what degrees will be left and needed.

I know the medical field will always be needed and in demand, but that's not me. I don't like the idea of working in a hospital. Too sad and depressing to me. Same with pharmacy. It is a stressful job and work environment and at times sad with all the sick people that I interact with. I know I'd be helping them, but I'd still be sad all the same. I tend to get over emotional at times, even at work. So medical is a no go.

I keeping thinking of interior or culinary, two things I've always loved. But interior is shot, since the architecture side is not in demand. Culinary is hit or miss.

So I am pretty much back at the drawing table, but that's ok. I have time. No rush.

George and I are doing great. Going on 4 years in October. I am so excited that he'll be meeting all my family in a few weeks at my sisters' wedding. Not many people have met him. I know he'll be all nervous, but it will be fun (at least I hope it will be) I'm not a big social event person. I tend to like to stay home and make other plans. That's just the type of person I am.

I figure that when I get married I won't even have a wedding. Just sign the documents at the court house and have a party or something. Weddings are not my thing, nor is marriage. I think both are entirely overrated. So you're married? Marriage doesn't mean what it use to. I see in the news married men cheating on their wives. How is it special when there is so much of that going on? If we ever get married, it will be at least after we've been together for 10 years. I have no problem with that.

We've joked about marriage before, but after thinking about it, it wouldn't change anything. We'd still be just as committed as we are now. The requirements still stand. If we are to get married we first need to have : completed or nearly completed college, have good paying jobs, debt managed, a house. Always seemed impossible to me, but after the talks we've had and now that I am saving money, it seems possible.

I have never known anyone else who has ever made me as happy as he has. He is always there for me when I need him and I try my best to be there for him.

Dad keeps joking with me that I am next to get married. Of course he already knows about the requirements, which he finds to be very adult and responsible of us. He really likes George a lot (which is such a relief) and he gets along with him for the most part. I know I don't need my parents' approval of the man I marry, but it makes things a lot easier that they like George.

I feel very lucky to have such a great guy. I know at times I don't deserve him since I do sometimes treat him badly, but he is mine, as I am his.

Pretty much, we are stuck together. Tighter than glue LOL But I don't mind. I guess in more ways than one we are stuck (not in a bad way) We recently just switched cell phone service carriers (I'm still in the process of canceling T-Mobile, the phones will be here on Tuesday) Switched to Verizon (which is a major plus!!) I can finally accept and make calls at home!! (will send out new # when I get my phone)

So things are on a more positive note for a change!! Even for Dad. After being unemployed for a year, looks like he has another job offer. NTI in Cleveland is looking for a quality manager. He sent his questionaire to the manager while I was at the house today. I hope he gets the job. He has been going crazy being jobless (so has mom!!)

Final ending thoughts : things can always get better ^_^

Even though I am an Atheist, I do believe in Reincarnation (or the possibility of it being real)

I am not certain if one could remember all their past lives. I believe I must have been a Japanese woman or lived in Japan in one of my past lives (since I am very obsessed with Japan) But it has to tell what really happened in those past lives.

In my next life, I hope to be surprised.

Maybe this time I get to be an animal?

Of all the guys I have ever met, he is one of the strangest and most confusing.

Why I started talking to him again, I have no clue. I guess we had fun back when we use to hang out before he got too cool?

I lose?

Pi is ddrfreakpi or Dave as some of us know him. We use to be a thing, a couple, friends? To be honest, that "relationship", or whatever it was, was probably the most confusing ever. After 3 years since we stopped talking, he comes back into my life like nothing happened. Suuuurrrre!!

Turns out the girl he dumped me for (Alise) dumped him. I have no clue why, he wouldn't get into with me, but it seems pretty interesting. Leave me for her, she leaves him, now he is back for me? Nice! I totally see where this is going.

Pi was never really "there" for me sort-to speak. Well, kinda hard to when we live about an hour and a half away from each other. Yeah, long distance stuff sucks. I totally recommend not doing it. That was the primary rift in our "relationship" that and he was in college, I didn't have my license and all that other shit we won't talk about.

I don't know, maybe it is my weakness coming back to me? Weakness = dorks, nerds, smart guys. Hee hee!!

So after talking with Pi, I began to get that feeling just like last time (3 years ago) I felt totally confused by his feelings. WTF? This is how you win over women? Nice. Jackass.

After much consideration, I did decide to be friends with him, even though I never really stay friends with exes, just doesn't work that way with me. But no, he wants so much to be friends. The reason, probably just so he can try to get in my pants? Well, George thinks so and so does Dad and a couple people I asked about it. Or maybe he does reallu want to be friends?

So right now, I am deciding over whether or not he is serious on just being friends. I hope that if he is that he understands that that is all it will ever be.

I still don't think this will work out, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt (if he will talk to me!!)

Last time we talked I was really smashed on vodka and pucker shooters. I think I may have offended him by giving him TMI. Which totally surprises me since he is one of the biggest perverts I know!!

Maybe I fucked things up? I always do T_T

Wow.... where did 2008 go?

The oler I get the faster time goes by.

Such irony.

Not sure what will be in store for 2009, we'll see when it happens ^_^

I love adventure, so when the unexpected happens, it's an opportunity.

Merry Christmas from the Pagels Children ^_^

(this is what we do on X-Mas : we tie up our brother with ribbons and bows!!)

Lft-Rght : Shannon, Cherise, Amber, Me, Brian in center

Depends on how I feel normally. If I feel too sick to work (i.e. fever, throwing up, chills) then I will not go to work. If it is just a little cold or allergies, I'll go to work.

Yes & No.

Werewolves, no. Lunacy, possibly. True love, maybe.

I am sure if it the strain of the tides due to the full moon or what, but I tend to have my time of the month around full moons. I have heard a myth about on full moons that is when the most babies are born, but that may just be myth.

It would be interesting though if the phases of the moon had that big an impact on our behavior.

But definately for the lunatics (has luna in the word meaning "moon" in spanish, connection?)

For as long as I can remember, not sure when this tradition started, Dad always made a trip up to Grandma's in Wisconsin almost every February (or a month around it, but it was still Winter time) just to spend time with Grandma, go to the Dells and possibly bring a cow, pig or both home.

For the last 2 years, I've been trying to convince George to go with me. I haven't been up to my Grandma's in quite some time. I think the last time I was there was back in 2005? Summer vacation? I don't really remember. But it has been a while and I would love to go and bring George with me.

Each time I have asked he always says no. He claims he just doesn't like traveling, but he has gone to visit his friends in Florida and his mom's family in Virginia. I highly doubt it's a dislike to travel. I know George doesn't really like my family (immediate family included) I can't really blame him. There some family members and relatives I don't really like either.

It stems from when Uncle Earl & Aunt Diane visited a while back ago when I just started dating George. Earl was quite the ass when he talked to me about the men I date. Telling me crap like "Look at yourself, you're a beautiful intelligent woman. You can get any guy you want. Like a doctor, a lawyer. But a cobbler?" Like my own personal happiness means nothing? Dick.

So after that incident with my relatives, George isn't too thrilled to meet any of them. He has met my Grandmother and my Dad's sister Nancy, but that's about it.

I guess he just doesn't like my family and I have to learn to deal with it.

I still think he would have fun if he went. Stop in Chicago on the way there, have lunch, see some relatives possibly and go to Grandma's.

I dunno. I guess I feel a bit awkward having the boyfriend who doesn't like or want anything to do with my family. My sisters' boyfriends' are always pretty much with my sisters at holiday events and such, but mine is always absent. I get tired of having to explain him to my parents. It gets old after a while. I have asked him to come to family events, but I always get the same excuses.

He just isn't that kind of person I guess. Which doesn't work well with me. I like to spend time with my family during the holidays and visit family when I can. I just wish he would like to too.

I've told him many times, it's not just about visiting my family but also about spending time with me. Then he goes off into a little tangent on how we live together and are always spending time together. To me that's not the same thing.

Yeah we live together, but half the time he is doing something else or has his friends over or is out with his friends. Just going to sleep together and waking up together isn't "being together" or "spending time". To him it is.

I guess I miss how things were in the beginning of our relationship. We spent more time together and he actually enjoyed spending time with me and finding things to do. I miss that.... a lot.

Now, it seems like whenever I want to do something or go somewhere (like to visit my Grandmother) he just doesn't want to. He is content to stay glued to the tv and play his stupid video games or go out to Grand Rapids and play his stupid paper RPG game with his friends.

Just pisses me off.

I told him to at least think about Wisconsin. I highly doubt he will, but it's worth a shot.

Even if he doesn't go, I'll go by myself.

I think I need some time to myself and time to think about my relationship.
 

It's been roughly 4 or 5 years now that I have been off my medication. And I am happy to say, I am my old self again and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Living and dealing with Bi Polar (Manic Depressive) isn't easy. Even when I was on medication I felt even more alone and out of place. It was a constant struggle to keep myself together and to not let my emotions take over me.

It was a long and bumpy road, but I have done well for myself.

I was diagnosed when I was 13. Being 13, there was a lot going on in my life. About to enter freshman year at a new school, discovering boys and becoming a young woman. Sure, there were bound to be mood swings, but the amount I had and how dramatically they would change was not normal.

My adolescent years were anything but normal. I had to see my therapist and psychologist every week to discuss life at home, school, and how I was with my medications. That and how I felt (note : most of my visits had nothing to do with how I felt, they were suppose to but apparently my therapist believed my mother over me)

I resented my parents (mostly mom) a lot during those years of hell. I always felt like they were ashamed of me and thought I was the messed up child. My siblings weren't really supportive or understanding either. I was the "freak" the "crazy" sibling. I was told to go kill myself by them constantly if they were annoyed with me, which hurt a lot.

My family hated me, is what I thought. My friends didn't seem to understand what I was going through either. How could they? All I did was leave them out.

I did it to keep them away from the dark side of me.

A side I am very ashamed of. But I do not regret any of the choices I made.

As self medication (no I did not feel like my meds were helping me, to me they were just placebos) I would go out drinking with friends. We all got fake ids from a friends' brother. I use to sneak out of my parents house late at night to go to clubs and bars. I just wanted to get away from my life. Alcohol was my med of choice. It made me feel numb and happy. I didn't have a care in the world. And I didn't care what I was doing to myself either.

I had several failed suicide attempts. Either I was too chicken-shit to do it or I did but mom and dad stopped me from going the whole way. That is one thing I have learned from seeing my parents reactions : a suicidal child just rips them up.

My parents didn't know what they were doing wrong. They had sent me to see shrinks, got me on meds, even had me go to out patient therapy. Nothing seemed to be working, for them. But what about me?

At times I wouldn't take my medication. I was just so sick of feeling sick. The Lithium was getting so bad to the point where everything I ate tasted like metal. I sometimes didn't eat which resulted in dramatic weight loss. I didn't feel like myself, but I wanted to.

When I started to take myself off the medication (with help from Dr. Elody of course), I felt better. Within a few days I began to notice that I had more energy and I could eat again.

The happiest moment of it all was when I fired my therapist. I felt like I could take on the world that day. And ever since, I have been off the medication.

I still have shifting moods and bouts of depression, but I have a better grasp on it. I have learned to utilize self control and begin to take hold of my feelings and how I react to them.

Having George with me also makes it easier. He is so understanding and patient with it. He really is a trooper. I don't know how many times he has seen me shift from happy to sad or just enraged, but it has been a lot. It surprises me that he is still with me. I figured he would have had enough by now. But it's been three years and he is still here, so it must mean something.

I also realized that what my parents did for me, any parent would have done. They just didn't know what to do. They did all they could for me and tried their best. That was a true sign of their love for me.

I am just so grateful for having such a supportive family and boyfriend. Without them, who knows where I'd be.

The best concert I've ever been to was Depeche Mode!! I got to go back stage and meet the guys!! That was the best day of my life (well one of em) and one of the best presents I ever recieved.

I so want to see them again!!